On the fourth day of hope my true love gave to me…a couple of missile strikes on my country..

I apologize for the late post, I have had no internet connection for a week which meant that

1) My email inbox had 67 unread emails (yes, I’m that popular)

2) In which over half of the emails were Facebook Notices and newsletters of websites I have subscribed to (The Daily Show, Michael Moore, Beyonce…)

“Why didn’t you go to the library?” you may be asking. Well, honest answer is that my library card has been blocked because I still havn’t paid all those fines for returning books past their deadline (hey, you try reading 4 books at the same time!) I am afraid that the moment I step into the library some CIA look-alike guy will take me away and force every single penny out of me.

And just an extra peice of information, I still don’t have any internet connection at home. I’m at my uncles place at the moment..

But enough of that. Lets get down to buisness.

When CNN announced that Barack Obama was the new president of the USA, Pakistan erupted with joy. At least Lahore did. Family relatives called and told how many people were partying in the streets. Now, I’m not sure if they ever saw a debate that Obama participated in, nor do they know his promises and goals. All they cared about was that Bush was gone, and Republicans were not to be in power.

Typical Pakistanis. Patience is is absent in us (we expect the country to be super over-night) and then we are natural celebrators. We celebrate everything. You got a new car? Great, now throw a party. Your broken bone has healed? Perfect, go buy traditional sweets and give them out.  And then we have that uncureable habit of celebrating a bit too early.

Day four of hope, and Obama gave the Pakistani people a warm welcome to a new “era” under his rule. A couple of missiles.

Only issue, he didn’t exactly give the missiles to us to protect. He simply threw it on our heads.

Pakistan has for a long, long time been under the microscope, and it has been quiet evident that people have been more than eager to cross its borders for military purposes. And time and time again, the Pakistani people as well as that circus show of a government have pointed out, that Pakistan isn’t Iraq, nor is it Afganistan. Military opertaions from other countries within the borders of Pakistan is disliked, unacceptable and intolerable. Strong words, I know, but truth rarely comes as a sweet apple pie.

The allegation is simply that Pakistan is harbouring terrorists. Probably, but to drop bombs on villages where innocent people die isn’t exactly the best tactic. Would USA tolerate external military operations in their country? Several politicans said, regarding to the Gaza/Israel conflict, “If Canada threw a bomb on us, we wouldn’t just sit and watch. We would act”.

So if USA can say that, you don’t need to ask Pakistanis.

The matter of fact is that “killing off” terrorists is never ever going to succeed, because the civilian loss, as well as the infrastructure damage will only give birth to new terrorists, and will provide the best motivation for the fanatical religious teachers that have planted their roots along the borders of Afganistan.

Bombs, guns, and this tactic that the USA is leading is more hurtful than beneficial. It’s a circle with no beginning and no apparent end. What we need is not bombs, but what we need is the ink of the pen.

I am not going to say that we will ever stop terrorism, because there has always been terrorism. The definition and the face of terrorism changes from time to time, and to get rid of it would only be successful if we get rid of mankind all together. The term I will use on the other hand is “reduce”. In order to reduce terrorism it is vital that we first of all get affective leaders in charge.

Take Pakistan for an example.

A Pakistani president would have to, first of all, ensure the Pakistani people that he is Pakistan’s president and will act for the absolute benefit for the country. Sounds obvious and easy, but for a population that has been ruled by sold-out leaders and puppet dictators for the past 60 years, it’s a big challange. The president then would have to stabalize the economy. How on Earth do you do that with a global economy meltdown? Once I’ve figured that out, fully I’ll let you know. But one thing is for sure, Pakistan would take use of it’s global football making industry. And China would come in the picture, but no rush yet. I promise I’ll let you know.

But stabalizing the economy is just a small, but important, step. Many studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between poverty and crime. With the economy somewhat stable, the government would be able to get education running again. But a streetchild and his entire family relying on his earnings as a begger or child worker is not not even going to consider school, which is why a strong social system is needed. It is vital that people get the chance to even consider school. This means that the poor families need to be presented an alternative. It can be the idea of paying a child to go to school and get good grades that can work (as seen in the Zindagi Trust foundation). A street child goes to school and get good grades, his family gets cash. Cool idea, and a good start, but it isn’t enough to run the country. There needs to be more support from the wealthy part of the country, and a contract bond between the child’s family and the government that ensures that the child goes to school until the age of 18, which means that the child atleast completes highschool. In that way, the family gets money, and the child gets an education.

But where will the money come from?

Taaaaaxxxeeeessssss!

Tax is the only way the government to make money, and you would have to teach people that. Not by dragging the voting population into a seminar school, but when going out to hold rallies, and debates, you bring the subject and purpose of taxes in. Tell them, do they want their roads built?  Then tell them what role taxes play. Ofcourse, you can’t do that if you got an economical crisis. But you see where I’m heading?

One of the mistakes that political leaders in Pakistan have made is that they have focused on developed areas only. Take Lahore, my “hood”. It’s considered the soul of Pakistan, and is considered one of the most developed places in Pakistan. So why pour more money there? Lahore will develop more eventually, but it’s not like you hear terrorists have their bases in Lahore. It always seems to be in the Sindh province and Balochistan. That’s because the infrastructure, the education is very poor and the government seems to have no control over the areas. The only way to win the people over is to offer them a better alternative. Who will say no to electricity? Who will say no to schools, and water, and hospitals? The landlords whom act like presidents will have no control over the people in such areas, beacuse what they offer would not be able to match what the government offers. But this cannot be done by demaing and biting at those who live in such provinces. The key is co-operation and compromise. It is to extend a hand over to the people and tell them, “Believe it or not, we live in the same country, and guess what? We’re all Pakistanis”.

Another important thing is to be honest with the people of Pakistan. Tell them what the challanges are, tell them that one president cannot bring up an entire country. Tell them that they need to help carry the load and they need to be a part of the metamorphosis. If  USA threatens you, you tell the Pakistani people. There is no need to hide such things, because if anything goes wrong, you will be the one to blamed and not USA.  By this, you will also send out a clear message to countries that you are soley Pakistan’s president, and have the Pakistani people in mind when you make decisions.

I told you before, Pakistanis get hyped up pretty quickly. Any president that gives hope and change to the people of Pakistan will have their support.

As for terrorism in Pakistan, it will remain, because it is a poor country, and it is a country that pushed from all directions. But terrorism in Pakistan can and will reduced over time only if we get a capable president who is ready to face nothing but storms and play as the underdog. Pakistan will not be your dream country now, but maybe in the next 20, 30 years.  Illiteracy, poverty and anger is fuel for terrorism. Take those away and you are well on your way to establishing a nation where terrorism is an endangered art.

So, despite everything, I still have some hope for Obama, who, in my opinion,  glows of hope, change and better times,  and maybe he should reconsider his “fight-the-terrorists” tactic.

And who knows? Maybe Pakistan will get an Obama for itself someday.

Someday..

 Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))

When he cheats vs. when she cheats

[Note: A post about the recent air missile strikes in Pakistan will be posted in a few days, don't worry. I just need some time on it.]

 

Is she the reason you don’t call like you used to?

Is she the reason my deepest love couldn’t please you? You got me feeling like I wasn’t good enough

- “Is she the reason” – Destinys Child

 

Im thinking one girl

She thinking me, earl james and jimmy

Yep she had plenty

But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart

But she was out riding in some other man’s car

- “Go On Girl” – Ne-Yo

 

Not being able to sleep, and TV being too dangerous to skim through at that late hour, I turned to my ever so faithful laptop. Watched a few episodes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report, and then randomly browsed through news, current events and the Golden Globe red carpet (on that note, I would like to shout out to my fellow Indian friends and congratulate them on the buzz that Slumdog Millionaire is causing and the awards it’s picking up along the way).

While browsing, I had my itunes playlist playing on shuffle. And that’s when “Is She The Reason” by Destiny’s Child came on. I automatically stopped reading about how P. Diddy is being brought into the spotlight regarding being the brain behind Tupac’s assassination and my attention reverted to the lyrics of the song. The song revolves around the questionable behavior of male partners. Beyonce asks, “Is she the reason why you don’t call like you used to?”, while Kelly says, “I can’t believe you let me fall this hard” and Michelle states, “You had me believing that this was all my fault. I guess me seeing you with her, says it all”.  

After that, came Ne-Yo’s song ,”Go On Girl” where he sings about how a girl has played with his heart by cheating on him and deceiving him. And when two “The Other Person” type songs come in sequence, you can’t help but get into that heartbreak mood,  now can you?

I then found out that I had loads of songs like that. “It’s not right, but it’s okay” by Whitney Housten, “Shattered Glass” by Britney Spears, “Heartless” by Kanye West, “Cry Me a River” by Justin Timberlake, “Thanx for Nuthin’” by Mariah Carey, “Beautiful Liar” by Beyonce and countless of others. And those are the “The other person” songs, which means sad, tragic and heartbreak songs are in a category of itself. Then I have the love songs. Then I have those poetic deep songs (usually of Indian and Pakistani descent). Then I have the political raps.  

I seriously need to get some new, happy music.

But beside that reality realization, it got me thinking.

I have to be honest, I don’t get into relationships for countless of reasons, but one on my list would be the fear of being screwed over.  I’ve always been a social person, and being around many people gave me an inside look on people’s lives, their struggles and their both won and lost battles. The one common issue that all of my female friends had at some point or another was infidelity. Their guys had “other girls”.

My mom could not get around this issue with her friends either. Women were finding out that they were not the only ones sharing a bed with their man.

And I had guy friends who wouldn’t confess it to anyone but me that their girl was shouting some other guy’s name. My mom would often tell me stories of men in the family who had been played and screwed over by their cheating women.

The exposure to disloyalty,  infidelity and unfaithfulness in relationships made sure that I would stay far, far away from any sort of intimate relationship whatsoever. It was in human nature to cheat and deceit, and I’m already a super-ultra emotional person, (I cried in The Simpsons Movie when Marge records a farewell message on a videotape and says in a hurt voice, “And to prove it’s over, I taped this over our wedding video. Good-Bye Homer”. Anything else needs to be said?) so getting screwed over by a man is the last on my list.

Infidelity has been an issue for partners for as long….well I don’t know. But its been around for quiet some time, hasn’t it? And it seems that the focus has always been on “the other woman”.

Just to give you a taste where we stand on the “other woman” issue, let me share with you some information.

  • Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
  • Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
  • 22% of married men (in US) have strayed at least once during their married lives. 
  • Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples

I’m going to stop now. I don’t want you to be man-less for the rest of your life and if you’re a man, I don’t want to embarrass you any further. Other studies show that many affairs last up to two full years.

Talk about guilt and moral sense taking a long vacation.

Ok, that was mean, I apologize. But the truth is that’s what I would have believed in a few years back. Now, that I’m older, I look at things a bit differently.

The first issue has always been, why on EARTH would a woman want a married/taken man? (I’m looking at you Angelina Jolie). Why would you want to sleep with a man, knowing very well that there is another woman who, most probably, has been told her man is working late? Why would you trust a man who is capable of betraying the trust of another woman? I don’t know, and I will never know, and nor will you (unless of course you are the other woman. If so, please feel free to contribute). It’s rather unexplainable, beside the “He just happened to be married” argument that I have a hard time falling for. So, I’ll leave that for now and turn the coin. Why do men have other women (who may or may not know about the fact that they already got a girl)?

The most easy and straightforward answer would be: sex. Men are naturally sex-driven, sex-obsessed creatures that don’t think with their heads and fall easily for temptation. (Even in the Quran, the male specie has been described as weak as they tend to think sexual thoughts when alone with women). After marriage, it seems that men lose interest in their wives, and miss the chase and the thrill. Sex becomes predictable and touching the same flesh gets, well, boring. And after women give  birth, men see them more as maternal figures than the sex partners. 

At least that’s the original version. Or the fling version at least.

I’ve always seen male infidelity in two ways. One is most defiantly the sex side (I’ve watched enough Dr.Phil, read enough Cosmo, talked to enough women to confirm that theory for me) and the original explanation is not far from the truth either (sorry guys) but there is one more side to the story. Especially when we’re talking about long-term affairs.

Men are natural braggers. It’s in a man’s nature to prove himself, as it is to boost his ego. But it’s wrong to suggest that sex is the sole reason for why men have an other woman.

  • Dr. Jan Halper’s study found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3% of the 4,100 men surveyed eventually married their lovers. 
  •  Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75%

What does that tell you? Sex almost always plays a role in infidelity, but it seems that it is when comes to long term affairs, the very reason for cheating changes.

Men in marriage usually cheat because 1) They aren’t getting enough sex at home  2) There is some turmoil in their relationship or 3) They are just plain, pathetic morons, who are morally bad of character. 

Men need to be told they are good. Seriously, no joke. If a man is unhappy in a relationship, or has a wife/girlfriend who nags/complains constantly (yes, I’m looking at you ladies), then a man is more tempted to cheat. Why? Because he needs to prove to himself that he’s still got it. He needs to prove to himself that he’s good enough. Psychologically, women are more social creatures than men are, and women are thus better at resolving emotional issues than men are (which is why more men than women turn to alcohol). So when a man has a woman who constantly puts him down, constantly bugs him, constantly wants to “talk about the relationship”, he will eventually fall for that smiling woman at office who says that he’s going a good job.

But rarely do they marry the other woman. Why? Because there is not the connection of an emotional bond. The other woman is the object of self-satisfaction. The proof that they can still bring it on. And besides, a relationship born out from secrecy, lies and deception is very unlikely to survive.   

Going back to the ego boost subject, some men cheat because they want to prove to themselves that they still have what it takes. “Notch under the belt” i think it’s called. To experience the thrill of the chase again. 

Then of course are the men who have everything, but still cheat. No idea why they do it, so I simply assume they are not of good character.

But what happens when she cheats?

Female infidelity has always been brushed underneath the carpet. Everyone knows it’s there.

The assumption that women cheat for different reasons than men is a 50/50 deal. I was reading an article recently which brought the stories of cheating women. A few women said because their husbands didn’t show them affection or didn’t give them quality time, so they went out and found a man who did. Others said because sex was getting boring.

The myth that men cheat more than women is, according to statistics, dying. In fact. a study showed that young females and males had cheated on a partner equal number of times, and infidelity from the woman’s side is now rapidly growing.

It is true that many women cheat because they are not getting enough attention, love and emotional support from home. But the interesting thing in female infidelity is that it is viewed with more sympathy than male infidelity. And why is so?

I guess it’s because we in a society  where we believe that men cheat because it lies in their nature, while women cheat only when they are pushed in that direction where no other options are available.  Although, I read an article in the newspaper which said that scientists and now trying to find a specific gene in men that biologically programs them into cheating. A kind of infidelity gene.

And no, it’s not a lie;

Hasse Walum and his colleagues made use of data from The Twin and Offspring Study in Sweden, which includes over 550 twins and their partners or spouses. The gene under study codes for one of the receptors for vasopressin, a hormone found in the brains of most mammals. The team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of this gene — allele 334 — often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.

The incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant. There was also a correlation between the men’s gene variant and what their respective partners thought about their relationship.

“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele”, says Hasse Walum.

The same gene has been previously studied in voles, where it has been linked to monogamous behaviour in males.

“The fact that the corresponding gene has proved important for similar behaviour in voles makes our findings even more interesting, and suggests that the thoroughly studied brain mechanisms that we know give rise to strong bonds between individual voles can also be relevant to humans”, Hasse Walum concludes.   

 

I have to admit, I laughed. A nervous laugh though. Can you imagine?  ” Sorry honey, I cheated ‘cos it’s in my genes”.

However,

He stresses, however, that the effect of this genetic variation is relatively modest, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.

But why all the focus on the men? Women cheat too!

Women cheat on men for their own needs but superb starling females stray from their mates for the sake of their chicks, according to recent Cornell research. This reasoning includes being able to know if mates are too ‘genetically similar’ for breeding

 

So let me get this straight. We are all biologically programmed someway or another to screw around, so to speak?

Honestly, there shouldn’t be so much focus on the biological part, because it’s what, 1 in 10 men who have this gene, and it’s not 100% certain either. 

More focus should be put on the social aspects of infidelity. Women and men cheat for the same reason.

For their own needs.

Men may cheat for sex, because they’re not getting enough.

Women may cheat for love/sex because they’re not getting enough.

 

In reality, no gender should get a so-called “free-pass” when it comes to infidelity. So dear men, pay your wife some attention, help around the house and buy her the occasional bouquet of flowers (and keep in shape, no one wants Mr. Beer Belly), and dear women, stop nagging (and keep in shape…) and give some exciting sex to the man. It’s best for both of you really…

All this infidelity talk has made me go crazy. I think I’ll go listen to some love songs.

Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))

 

Sources;

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080902161213.htm

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/is_allele_334_an_infidelity_gene_for_men

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news/why_females_cheat

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/ariel_leve/article4742877.ece

 

 

 

 

 

 

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