When he cheats vs. when she cheats

January 24, 2009 at 7:36 pm (Uncategorized)
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[Note: A post about the recent air missile strikes in Pakistan will be posted in a few days, don't worry. I just need some time on it.]

 

Is she the reason you don’t call like you used to?

Is she the reason my deepest love couldn’t please you? You got me feeling like I wasn’t good enough

- “Is she the reason” – Destinys Child

 

Im thinking one girl

She thinking me, earl james and jimmy

Yep she had plenty

But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart

But she was out riding in some other man’s car

- “Go On Girl” – Ne-Yo

 

Not being able to sleep, and TV being too dangerous to skim through at that late hour, I turned to my ever so faithful laptop. Watched a few episodes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report, and then randomly browsed through news, current events and the Golden Globe red carpet (on that note, I would like to shout out to my fellow Indian friends and congratulate them on the buzz that Slumdog Millionaire is causing and the awards it’s picking up along the way).

While browsing, I had my itunes playlist playing on shuffle. And that’s when “Is She The Reason” by Destiny’s Child came on. I automatically stopped reading about how P. Diddy is being brought into the spotlight regarding being the brain behind Tupac’s assassination and my attention reverted to the lyrics of the song. The song revolves around the questionable behavior of male partners. Beyonce asks, “Is she the reason why you don’t call like you used to?”, while Kelly says, “I can’t believe you let me fall this hard” and Michelle states, “You had me believing that this was all my fault. I guess me seeing you with her, says it all”.  

After that, came Ne-Yo’s song ,”Go On Girl” where he sings about how a girl has played with his heart by cheating on him and deceiving him. And when two “The Other Person” type songs come in sequence, you can’t help but get into that heartbreak mood,  now can you?

I then found out that I had loads of songs like that. “It’s not right, but it’s okay” by Whitney Housten, “Shattered Glass” by Britney Spears, “Heartless” by Kanye West, “Cry Me a River” by Justin Timberlake, “Thanx for Nuthin’” by Mariah Carey, “Beautiful Liar” by Beyonce and countless of others. And those are the “The other person” songs, which means sad, tragic and heartbreak songs are in a category of itself. Then I have the love songs. Then I have those poetic deep songs (usually of Indian and Pakistani descent). Then I have the political raps.  

I seriously need to get some new, happy music.

But beside that reality realization, it got me thinking.

I have to be honest, I don’t get into relationships for countless of reasons, but one on my list would be the fear of being screwed over.  I’ve always been a social person, and being around many people gave me an inside look on people’s lives, their struggles and their both won and lost battles. The one common issue that all of my female friends had at some point or another was infidelity. Their guys had “other girls”.

My mom could not get around this issue with her friends either. Women were finding out that they were not the only ones sharing a bed with their man.

And I had guy friends who wouldn’t confess it to anyone but me that their girl was shouting some other guy’s name. My mom would often tell me stories of men in the family who had been played and screwed over by their cheating women.

The exposure to disloyalty,  infidelity and unfaithfulness in relationships made sure that I would stay far, far away from any sort of intimate relationship whatsoever. It was in human nature to cheat and deceit, and I’m already a super-ultra emotional person, (I cried in The Simpsons Movie when Marge records a farewell message on a videotape and says in a hurt voice, “And to prove it’s over, I taped this over our wedding video. Good-Bye Homer”. Anything else needs to be said?) so getting screwed over by a man is the last on my list.

Infidelity has been an issue for partners for as long….well I don’t know. But its been around for quiet some time, hasn’t it? And it seems that the focus has always been on “the other woman”.

Just to give you a taste where we stand on the “other woman” issue, let me share with you some information.

  • Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
  • Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
  • 22% of married men (in US) have strayed at least once during their married lives. 
  • Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples

I’m going to stop now. I don’t want you to be man-less for the rest of your life and if you’re a man, I don’t want to embarrass you any further. Other studies show that many affairs last up to two full years.

Talk about guilt and moral sense taking a long vacation.

Ok, that was mean, I apologize. But the truth is that’s what I would have believed in a few years back. Now, that I’m older, I look at things a bit differently.

The first issue has always been, why on EARTH would a woman want a married/taken man? (I’m looking at you Angelina Jolie). Why would you want to sleep with a man, knowing very well that there is another woman who, most probably, has been told her man is working late? Why would you trust a man who is capable of betraying the trust of another woman? I don’t know, and I will never know, and nor will you (unless of course you are the other woman. If so, please feel free to contribute). It’s rather unexplainable, beside the “He just happened to be married” argument that I have a hard time falling for. So, I’ll leave that for now and turn the coin. Why do men have other women (who may or may not know about the fact that they already got a girl)?

The most easy and straightforward answer would be: sex. Men are naturally sex-driven, sex-obsessed creatures that don’t think with their heads and fall easily for temptation. (Even in the Quran, the male specie has been described as weak as they tend to think sexual thoughts when alone with women). After marriage, it seems that men lose interest in their wives, and miss the chase and the thrill. Sex becomes predictable and touching the same flesh gets, well, boring. And after women give  birth, men see them more as maternal figures than the sex partners. 

At least that’s the original version. Or the fling version at least.

I’ve always seen male infidelity in two ways. One is most defiantly the sex side (I’ve watched enough Dr.Phil, read enough Cosmo, talked to enough women to confirm that theory for me) and the original explanation is not far from the truth either (sorry guys) but there is one more side to the story. Especially when we’re talking about long-term affairs.

Men are natural braggers. It’s in a man’s nature to prove himself, as it is to boost his ego. But it’s wrong to suggest that sex is the sole reason for why men have an other woman.

  • Dr. Jan Halper’s study found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3% of the 4,100 men surveyed eventually married their lovers. 
  •  Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75%

What does that tell you? Sex almost always plays a role in infidelity, but it seems that it is when comes to long term affairs, the very reason for cheating changes.

Men in marriage usually cheat because 1) They aren’t getting enough sex at home  2) There is some turmoil in their relationship or 3) They are just plain, pathetic morons, who are morally bad of character. 

Men need to be told they are good. Seriously, no joke. If a man is unhappy in a relationship, or has a wife/girlfriend who nags/complains constantly (yes, I’m looking at you ladies), then a man is more tempted to cheat. Why? Because he needs to prove to himself that he’s still got it. He needs to prove to himself that he’s good enough. Psychologically, women are more social creatures than men are, and women are thus better at resolving emotional issues than men are (which is why more men than women turn to alcohol). So when a man has a woman who constantly puts him down, constantly bugs him, constantly wants to “talk about the relationship”, he will eventually fall for that smiling woman at office who says that he’s going a good job.

But rarely do they marry the other woman. Why? Because there is not the connection of an emotional bond. The other woman is the object of self-satisfaction. The proof that they can still bring it on. And besides, a relationship born out from secrecy, lies and deception is very unlikely to survive.   

Going back to the ego boost subject, some men cheat because they want to prove to themselves that they still have what it takes. “Notch under the belt” i think it’s called. To experience the thrill of the chase again. 

Then of course are the men who have everything, but still cheat. No idea why they do it, so I simply assume they are not of good character.

But what happens when she cheats?

Female infidelity has always been brushed underneath the carpet. Everyone knows it’s there.

The assumption that women cheat for different reasons than men is a 50/50 deal. I was reading an article recently which brought the stories of cheating women. A few women said because their husbands didn’t show them affection or didn’t give them quality time, so they went out and found a man who did. Others said because sex was getting boring.

The myth that men cheat more than women is, according to statistics, dying. In fact. a study showed that young females and males had cheated on a partner equal number of times, and infidelity from the woman’s side is now rapidly growing.

It is true that many women cheat because they are not getting enough attention, love and emotional support from home. But the interesting thing in female infidelity is that it is viewed with more sympathy than male infidelity. And why is so?

I guess it’s because we in a society  where we believe that men cheat because it lies in their nature, while women cheat only when they are pushed in that direction where no other options are available.  Although, I read an article in the newspaper which said that scientists and now trying to find a specific gene in men that biologically programs them into cheating. A kind of infidelity gene.

And no, it’s not a lie;

Hasse Walum and his colleagues made use of data from The Twin and Offspring Study in Sweden, which includes over 550 twins and their partners or spouses. The gene under study codes for one of the receptors for vasopressin, a hormone found in the brains of most mammals. The team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of this gene — allele 334 — often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.

The incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant. There was also a correlation between the men’s gene variant and what their respective partners thought about their relationship.

“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele”, says Hasse Walum.

The same gene has been previously studied in voles, where it has been linked to monogamous behaviour in males.

“The fact that the corresponding gene has proved important for similar behaviour in voles makes our findings even more interesting, and suggests that the thoroughly studied brain mechanisms that we know give rise to strong bonds between individual voles can also be relevant to humans”, Hasse Walum concludes.   

 

I have to admit, I laughed. A nervous laugh though. Can you imagine?  ” Sorry honey, I cheated ‘cos it’s in my genes”.

However,

He stresses, however, that the effect of this genetic variation is relatively modest, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.

But why all the focus on the men? Women cheat too!

Women cheat on men for their own needs but superb starling females stray from their mates for the sake of their chicks, according to recent Cornell research. This reasoning includes being able to know if mates are too ‘genetically similar’ for breeding

 

So let me get this straight. We are all biologically programmed someway or another to screw around, so to speak?

Honestly, there shouldn’t be so much focus on the biological part, because it’s what, 1 in 10 men who have this gene, and it’s not 100% certain either. 

More focus should be put on the social aspects of infidelity. Women and men cheat for the same reason.

For their own needs.

Men may cheat for sex, because they’re not getting enough.

Women may cheat for love/sex because they’re not getting enough.

 

In reality, no gender should get a so-called “free-pass” when it comes to infidelity. So dear men, pay your wife some attention, help around the house and buy her the occasional bouquet of flowers (and keep in shape, no one wants Mr. Beer Belly), and dear women, stop nagging (and keep in shape…) and give some exciting sex to the man. It’s best for both of you really…

All this infidelity talk has made me go crazy. I think I’ll go listen to some love songs.

Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))

 

Sources;

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080902161213.htm

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/is_allele_334_an_infidelity_gene_for_men

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news/why_females_cheat

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/ariel_leve/article4742877.ece

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 Comments

Dear Feminist. Stop being a bitch.

January 12, 2009 at 9:34 pm (Uncategorized)
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Being a girl sucks.

Seriously.

Ok, maybe it’s bit of an exaggeration. Being a girl doesn’t really suck (we can look more prettier than we actually are thanks to magical make-up), but it sucks at times. Especially when you’re stuck in the middle, surrounded by feminists.

Before I get trashed though, I would like to add that feminism at its core is highly appreciated and almost necessary. Feminism is what got women the vote ( didn’t take off any bad guys anyways..), feminism is what got women equal rights in terms of property and in-heritage  and feminism gave women what they worked for. 

Feminism, again at its core, is different than chauvinism. While feminism strive(ed) for equal rights to another gender of the human species, male chauvinism held the idea of superiority of men over women. I read in my 9th grade history  book regarding the vote for women and some important man (not sure who) said: First we give the women vote. Are we giving cows the vote next time?”

It was a beautiful thing feminism.

But you know what they say. All good things must come to an end.

It seems that feminism, in many parts of the world, is undergoing a metamorphosis. Instead of “keeping it real” and holding on to the core values, feminism is now developing into a female chauvinism.

In Western parts of the world, where most women have gained the basic equal rights, the fight has changed and the tactics of the various battles have altered.

It seems that it’s gone from “Equal rights for women” to “All men are evil, violent, rapists, wife-beating pigs”.

If you read my other post “My love/hate relationship with men”, I explain how  I’ve grown up in a fairly male-dominated family (no sisters, no female cousins) and with a mother who was very a strong and independent motherly mom. She had her own opinions and she could snap faster and sharper than a knife. She still has those qualities. Yet, my mother was the sort of woman who always waited for my Dad before eating dinner. The one who threw Dad out of the kitchen. The one who gave up time with her girlfriends just ‘cos my Dad was home and alone. She would change her dress if my Dad said, “Well..erm…you know…it’s a tight with…well..a cleavage…..I mean…what about that other dress?” She would agree with my father in times when it wasn’t necessary and she was the sort of woman who said, “Hmm..I’ll just check with my husband if it’s okay”. The strange thing was he never cared about how she spent her money or where she spent it.    

Indirectly, I’ve inherited her qualities. I love cooking, I’m always aware of what I’m putting on, I like to think about my actions when I go out and I tend have self-control (tend to is the word to stress!). I’m the kind of girl who will always tell my man where I’m at, always make sure she’s okay with the way I dress.  The only problem is, such qualities where perhaps admirable when my mom was young (thank God she isn’t reading this, or she’d probably go, “What do you mean WAS? I AM young. Honey, I look like your younger sister”), but such characteristics, habits and qualities are a bit frowned upon. Especially by hard-core feminists.

I remember a incident a few years back. Me, my mom and her Desi girlfriends and their daughters had gotten together. We ate, laughed watched a movie and then the old-ER girls (in case my mother stumbles across this blog) told their daughters to go to another room. They had to talk “adult-business” which, as we knew, was about back-talking their husbands, sex, watching Saima Khan’s infamous mujra (seductive stage dancing) and going “HAYE ALLAH!” (Oh Allah!)  while commenting on how vulgur yet fit she was. 

Not being the average Desi girl, I reluctantly followed the daughters in another room where chats began about secret boyfriends, sex, men, make-up and the usual girl stuff. I kept a little quiet as I wasn’t the one to have secret boyfriends and I couldn’t care what the difference between a LO’real and Gosh mascara was. One girl then came up with the “discussion” issue : How would we treat our man?

One by one the comments came.

“I’ll make him spend all his cash on me!”

“The man should know I ain’t no slave. He’s cooking and cleaning”

“Screw cooking, I’m making him do all the other shit. Or else he’s gonna see my fierce side”   

“He needs to be able to carry all my bags”

When it was my turn I sat there, paralyzed for a minute. I looked at these girls. They were over 18 years of age, were either finishing high-school or starting University. I faked a smile, coughed and went,

“Erm..well…I guess I’d treat him with respect, not only as a friend, but as a husband too”.

The girls gave half-a nod and quickly the next topic. “What would you say if your man said he thought the dress you were wearing was inappropriate and wanted you to change?”

All hell broke loose.

All the girls, most naturally, said they’d ditch him, slap him, tell him to go fuck himself and tell him to mind his own business. I said I’d ask why he thought it was inappropriate. Was it the length? Was it the cleavage? Whatever it was, if he didn’t like it, most probable that I wouldn’t have worn it in the first place. But of course, if I came out wearing a see-through, push-up, short dress, I’d b pissed if he didn’t say anything. In my opinion, I would want to know if something was inappropriate and it’s his responsibility to tell me. 

What happened next needs no words. It’s still a blur really. Think lamb among lions. You’ll get the picture.

When we went back to our mothers,  the topic was picked up again, and this time, I was hoping for the old-ER girls to support me. After all, they were born in a time where a woman was taught to obey her husband at all times. I wasn’t on that end of the scale scale but SOME support would be inevitable.

Foolish me.

The mothers supported their daughters. Why shouldn’t a man cook everyday? Why should you tell your man where you where, or when you were coming home? Why shouldn’t a man clean the kitchen? Why should a man give his opinion on your clothes? Why shouldn’t a man give up a sports sunday for his wife? Why shouldn’t he tag along to ever shopping spree she takes? And why should he have anything to  say when you spend shit loads of his money on crap that you don’t need anyway? 

I looked at my mother for a bit support but she just gave the, “Try to get out of this alive” smile and let me tackle the beasts on my own. I calmly told them that it wasn’t that black and white. You can certainly maintain your individuality and personality while at the same time adapting to being a wife. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you have to surrender your whole to a man, it means you meet in the middle. A wife has rights over her husband as a husband has rights over his wife. If I thought that my husband’s behavior to another woman was a bit out of line, I would calmly approach him, so if I can, then why can’t he if he feels that my behavior towards another man troubles him?

If he dressed in shorts to a meeting, I’d tell him it wasn’t right for the occasion, and if I can, then why can’t he? If I was a guy (IF, people, IF) I would mind if my wife went to a family dinner with a huge cleavage. I sure as hell wouldn’t mind it if we were alone in the bedroom, but in public, I would have frowned a bit.

I’m cool with men wanting to cook, it’s very hot. And I think it’s even hotter when you and your man cook together on weekends (and have some really great and mind-blowing sex afterwards), but demanding him to cook is not my style, and nor is it giving up my womanhood if I don’t. Personally, I’m the kind of girl who would, if given the chance, cook and set up the table so when the man comes in the door, he smells some real nice kardhai with naan, you feel me? ;)

And why the hell would I want him to give up Sundays for me? Heck, I have him for a whole week, so what if he wants to spend a day with his friends watching sports? It’s stupid to cling on to a man. Give him his freedom and he’ll more than happily give you yours. Why do you have to keep your man on such a short leash? 

I didn’t manage to convince the women in the room though. They were outraged. Didn’t I know that all men, at the end of the day, were men? Abusing and misusing son-of-a-bitches (since the women saw the mother-in-laws as real bitches). Whatever happened to the sisterhood? What happened to my feminism?

I’m sorry, but just as much as I believe that men aren’t superior than women, I believe as strongly that women aren’t superior to men either.     

I understand that there are many men who abuse this trust and loyalty that women entrust to them, but then again, there are also hard-core feministic women who make lives a living hell for their husbands.

This sort of “I don’t care what you say ‘cos I’m a woman” crap isn’t any better than male chauvinism. Female chauvinism is one real bitch, and I hate no-good bitches.

I wish that feminism would return to its original state. Fighting for equality and making sure that all women are given the chance to educate themselves, vote themselves and become independent women. But just because you’re a housewife, doesn’t mean you’re not an independent woman. Just because you’ve dedicated your whole life to your children and husband, like my mother, doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice and aren’t a individual human.

I wish that feminists would realize that women find happiness in different ways. I don’t care if you want to be a CEO of a company, I don’t care if you don’t want kids, nor do I care if you don’t want to cook. Live your womanly life your way and let me live my life my way. I want to have a successful career, but I want to cook, my man’s opinion does matter and yes, I want to have kids and have the chance to raise them without the interference of nannies and care-takers. If I choose this does this make me less of a woman than those who choose another direction?

I think it’s tragic that such hard-core feminists instantly look down upon home going moms, or women who compromise with their men. If a woman is happy in her relationship, wakes up happy, and goes to bed with a man who loves her more than anything on this earth (yes, even super cars, the sports channel and models) then who are you to judge her relationship? So what if she isn’t some high paid CEO? Or a President of a country?  Or so what if she doesn’t experiment with her sexuality outside of a marriage? There is no point in doing so if you’re miserable. That goes for both men and women.

So, dear “feminist”. Stop being a bitch and cut me some slack.

Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))

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