[[desi diva]]

Being a girl sucks.

Seriously.

Ok, maybe it’s bit of an exaggeration. Being a girl doesn’t really suck (we can look more prettier than we actually are thanks to magical make-up), but it sucks at times. Especially when you’re stuck in the middle, surrounded by feminists.

Before I get trashed though, I would like to add that feminism at its core is highly appreciated and almost necessary. Feminism is what got women the vote ( didn’t take off any bad guys anyways..), feminism is what got women equal rights in terms of property and in-heritage  and feminism gave women what they worked for. 

Feminism, again at its core, is different than chauvinism. While feminism strive(ed) for equal rights to another gender of the human species, male chauvinism held the idea of superiority of men over women. I read in my 9th grade history  book regarding the vote for women and some important man (not sure who) said: First we give the women vote. Are we giving cows the vote next time?”

It was a beautiful thing feminism.

But you know what they say. All good things must come to an end.

It seems that feminism, in many parts of the world, is undergoing a metamorphosis. Instead of “keeping it real” and holding on to the core values, feminism is now developing into a female chauvinism.

In Western parts of the world, where most women have gained the basic equal rights, the fight has changed and the tactics of the various battles have altered.

It seems that it’s gone from “Equal rights for women” to “All men are evil, violent, rapists, wife-beating pigs”.

If you read my other post “My love/hate relationship with men”, I explain how  I’ve grown up in a fairly male-dominated family (no sisters, no female cousins) and with a mother who was very a strong and independent motherly mom. She had her own opinions and she could snap faster and sharper than a knife. She still has those qualities. Yet, my mother was the sort of woman who always waited for my Dad before eating dinner. The one who threw Dad out of the kitchen. The one who gave up time with her girlfriends just ‘cos my Dad was home and alone. She would change her dress if my Dad said, “Well..erm…you know…it’s a tight with…well..a cleavage…..I mean…what about that other dress?” She would agree with my father in times when it wasn’t necessary and she was the sort of woman who said, “Hmm..I’ll just check with my husband if it’s okay”. The strange thing was he never cared about how she spent her money or where she spent it.    

Indirectly, I’ve inherited her qualities. I love cooking, I’m always aware of what I’m putting on, I like to think about my actions when I go out and I tend have self-control (tend to is the word to stress!). I’m the kind of girl who will always tell my man where I’m at, always make sure she’s okay with the way I dress.  The only problem is, such qualities where perhaps admirable when my mom was young (thank God she isn’t reading this, or she’d probably go, “What do you mean WAS? I AM young. Honey, I look like your younger sister”), but such characteristics, habits and qualities are a bit frowned upon. Especially by hard-core feminists.

I remember a incident a few years back. Me, my mom and her Desi girlfriends and their daughters had gotten together. We ate, laughed watched a movie and then the old-ER girls (in case my mother stumbles across this blog) told their daughters to go to another room. They had to talk “adult-business” which, as we knew, was about back-talking their husbands, sex, watching Saima Khan’s infamous mujra (seductive stage dancing) and going “HAYE ALLAH!” (Oh Allah!)  while commenting on how vulgur yet fit she was. 

Not being the average Desi girl, I reluctantly followed the daughters in another room where chats began about secret boyfriends, sex, men, make-up and the usual girl stuff. I kept a little quiet as I wasn’t the one to have secret boyfriends and I couldn’t care what the difference between a LO’real and Gosh mascara was. One girl then came up with the “discussion” issue : How would we treat our man?

One by one the comments came.

“I’ll make him spend all his cash on me!”

“The man should know I ain’t no slave. He’s cooking and cleaning”

“Screw cooking, I’m making him do all the other shit. Or else he’s gonna see my fierce side”   

“He needs to be able to carry all my bags”

When it was my turn I sat there, paralyzed for a minute. I looked at these girls. They were over 18 years of age, were either finishing high-school or starting University. I faked a smile, coughed and went,

“Erm..well…I guess I’d treat him with respect, not only as a friend, but as a husband too”.

The girls gave half-a nod and quickly the next topic. “What would you say if your man said he thought the dress you were wearing was inappropriate and wanted you to change?”

All hell broke loose.

All the girls, most naturally, said they’d ditch him, slap him, tell him to go fuck himself and tell him to mind his own business. I said I’d ask why he thought it was inappropriate. Was it the length? Was it the cleavage? Whatever it was, if he didn’t like it, most probable that I wouldn’t have worn it in the first place. But of course, if I came out wearing a see-through, push-up, short dress, I’d b pissed if he didn’t say anything. In my opinion, I would want to know if something was inappropriate and it’s his responsibility to tell me. 

What happened next needs no words. It’s still a blur really. Think lamb among lions. You’ll get the picture.

When we went back to our mothers,  the topic was picked up again, and this time, I was hoping for the old-ER girls to support me. After all, they were born in a time where a woman was taught to obey her husband at all times. I wasn’t on that end of the scale scale but SOME support would be inevitable.

Foolish me.

The mothers supported their daughters. Why shouldn’t a man cook everyday? Why should you tell your man where you where, or when you were coming home? Why shouldn’t a man clean the kitchen? Why should a man give his opinion on your clothes? Why shouldn’t a man give up a sports sunday for his wife? Why shouldn’t he tag along to ever shopping spree she takes? And why should he have anything to  say when you spend shit loads of his money on crap that you don’t need anyway? 

I looked at my mother for a bit support but she just gave the, “Try to get out of this alive” smile and let me tackle the beasts on my own. I calmly told them that it wasn’t that black and white. You can certainly maintain your individuality and personality while at the same time adapting to being a wife. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you have to surrender your whole to a man, it means you meet in the middle. A wife has rights over her husband as a husband has rights over his wife. If I thought that my husband’s behavior to another woman was a bit out of line, I would calmly approach him, so if I can, then why can’t he if he feels that my behavior towards another man troubles him?

If he dressed in shorts to a meeting, I’d tell him it wasn’t right for the occasion, and if I can, then why can’t he? If I was a guy (IF, people, IF) I would mind if my wife went to a family dinner with a huge cleavage. I sure as hell wouldn’t mind it if we were alone in the bedroom, but in public, I would have frowned a bit.

I’m cool with men wanting to cook, it’s very hot. And I think it’s even hotter when you and your man cook together on weekends (and have some really great and mind-blowing sex afterwards), but demanding him to cook is not my style, and nor is it giving up my womanhood if I don’t. Personally, I’m the kind of girl who would, if given the chance, cook and set up the table so when the man comes in the door, he smells some real nice kardhai with naan, you feel me?

And why the hell would I want him to give up Sundays for me? Heck, I have him for a whole week, so what if he wants to spend a day with his friends watching sports? It’s stupid to cling on to a man. Give him his freedom and he’ll more than happily give you yours. Why do you have to keep your man on such a short leash? 

I didn’t manage to convince the women in the room though. They were outraged. Didn’t I know that all men, at the end of the day, were men? Abusing and misusing son-of-a-bitches (since the women saw the mother-in-laws as real bitches). Whatever happened to the sisterhood? What happened to my feminism?

I’m sorry, but just as much as I believe that men aren’t superior than women, I believe as strongly that women aren’t superior to men either.     

I understand that there are many men who abuse this trust and loyalty that women entrust to them, but then again, there are also hard-core feministic women who make lives a living hell for their husbands.

This sort of “I don’t care what you say ‘cos I’m a woman” crap isn’t any better than male chauvinism. Female chauvinism is one real bitch, and I hate no-good bitches.

I wish that feminism would return to its original state. Fighting for equality and making sure that all women are given the chance to educate themselves, vote themselves and become independent women. But just because you’re a housewife, doesn’t mean you’re not an independent woman. Just because you’ve dedicated your whole life to your children and husband, like my mother, doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice and aren’t a individual human.

I wish that feminists would realize that women find happiness in different ways. I don’t care if you want to be a CEO of a company, I don’t care if you don’t want kids, nor do I care if you don’t want to cook. Live your womanly life your way and let me live my life my way. I want to have a successful career, but I want to cook, my man’s opinion does matter and yes, I want to have kids and have the chance to raise them without the interference of nannies and care-takers. If I choose this does this make me less of a woman than those who choose another direction?

I think it’s tragic that such hard-core feminists instantly look down upon home going moms, or women who compromise with their men. If a woman is happy in her relationship, wakes up happy, and goes to bed with a man who loves her more than anything on this earth (yes, even super cars, the sports channel and models) then who are you to judge her relationship? So what if she isn’t some high paid CEO? Or a President of a country?  Or so what if she doesn’t experiment with her sexuality outside of a marriage? There is no point in doing so if you’re miserable. That goes for both men and women.

So, dear “feminist”. Stop being a bitch and cut me some slack.

Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))