When it comes down to what’s between the legs. And in our heads.

Since I basically don’t have much to do these days besides go online job hunting (which is often interrupted by short sessions to ASOS and Dereon), my friends can testify that I have become quiet annoying to be around. At least on MSN, that is.

I recently talked to a good friend of mine that has a semi-rumored reputation as a man chauvinist, but both he and I know that it’s just a facade. We got talking until he came around the opinion that in his ideal society, a woman would, and could never obtain a high position in politics. In other words, a woman would never be in political leadership.

I wasn’t really astonished by his opinion, but decided to throw myself in what ended up to be a very long MSN chat. Informative, heated and interesting for sure, but very long.

His opinion regarding female leadership was, in all due honesty, not narrow-minded nor primitive. It revolved around basic assumption that women and men think and thus act differently. He stated that a woman would think from her heart more strongly than a man, and despite the fact that we could use a bit of humanity now and then in politics, we humans cannot simply change the “law of the jungle” as he put it.

This is a discussion that is as familiar to me as my own shadow. Female leadership has always been a heated point of argument and despite the many views that come into progress; it really is, in the end, broken down into categories.

The first is the traditional “men think logically, women think emotionally” argument.  To all the feminists out there, hold your horses. Because, in context, it is true.

Various studies have shown that women think differently. This difference in the sexes is often reflected in our daily lives. Women are more likely to enroll into humanitarian areas, such as doctors, nurses, teachers and alike while men walk towards careers in business, math and engineering.  The question is always whether we are brought up in a society that teaches us these norms, but let’s just assume for a moment, that that is not the case, and it’s all already biologically programmed. So let’s say that women think with their hearts and men with their heads. How would that affect a leadership? I understand that my friend expressed his concerns when he stated “women would be weak when it would come to war”, but let me get this straight… the President isn’t actually participating in the war is he? The President isn’t actually going to pull the trigger on the gun is he? So the amount of push-ups the President would be able to do has nothing to do with how well they perform in the office.

And lets not forget. Hilary Clinton voted yes for the Iraq war, as the majority of her male-politicians, with the exception of Obama. The problem is, if Obama was a woman and had voted no for the Iraq war, would we have seen that as a good logical decision (as we do for Obama) or would we look at it as a weak, emotion-led decision? The problem is that we automatically look at the gender and then we make up our minds regarding that decision. It seems that no matter what a female leader decides to do, it would always be scrutinized because she is a woman. If its a yes for a war, she’s not thinking straight, and if it’s no for a war, then she’s still not thinking straight.

And, when it comes to political decisions, how do we separate decisions made from the heart and decisions made from the brain? A political leader who creates a program to educate poor village woman, is that a logical decision, or a emotional decision? A political leader who tries to negotiate rather than throw bombs, is that a logical decision or a emotional decision? The matter of fact is when cannot and do not know. We’ve had Presidents who are eager for war, and we’ve had Presidents who are eager for diplomatic relations and discussions, all male. We’ve had Presidents pouring money into the military and we’ve had Presidents who pour money into health care and education, again, all male.

But when we criticize these Presidents we don’t go, “Oh, well, that’s ‘cos he’s a guy, that’s why”. So why do we use the sex against a woman?

I believe that we’re still stuck in that old world where women were considered the lesser being and the weaker vessel. Yes, the woman is weaker physically, but mind you, she’s stronger biologically. Studies show that women are more likely to survive diseases, heavy blood loss. Women die later than men, women don’t lose as much hair as men, women are less likely to commit suicide and less likely to lose their minds (in which I mean that men are more likely to fall into depression and the majority of patients of mental illnesses are male).

 Men are considered (generally) better at Math, but in universities, we’re seeing a higher trend in women enrolling and we’re seeing a higher trend in male drop-out. Girls tend to do better at exams than boys at school, and are often more focused than their male classmates when it comes to deciding about the future. So I often ask, why is the woman considered a weaker being? Because she can’t lift a tire? Because she has the ability to be pregnant or because she shows emotions, that seems to lack in both everyday life as well as politics?

Men are stronger physically, but both psychologically and biologically, the women are stronger. 

But does that matter?

In the position as a President, one has to be strategic, be able to multi-task and be able to relate to what the people want, and be able to win hearts. Both men and women can do this job. Obama may be elected President, Michelle Obama could, in my opinion, be just a capable President.

 

Isn’t Michelle Obama educated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School? She worked in a Law firm and a part of the mayor’s staff. In fact, I remember watching an episode of The Daily Show Wit Jon Stewart, where the guest was a former teacher of both Barack and Michelle. He stated that he always saw Michelle as to become President while Barack was more the mayor sort.

She’s been in many executive positions, and Barack has always mentioned that she’s been the rock of his campaign. If we added a few years as a senator, she would make a fine presidential candidate, wouldn’t she?

What about Benazir Bhutto? She led a hard and rough life, lost her father to politics, lost her brothers to politics, tried to pull a nation out of hope together and in the end, died for her country.

Or what about Queen Elizabeth? Her ways of ruling can always be discussed (but so can the regimes of men), but she ruled quiet a lot, wouldn’t you say? Or Cliopatra?  

 

“Exceptions”, my friend stated, “Besides, a woman in high political power is against the Islamic shairia”.

Oh, how I love when religion is brought into such discussions.  The discussion about Muslim female leaders has been around for a very long time, and has been disputed. Why? Because the whole concept of “No-female-leaders/female leaders make bad leaders” revolves around one hadith. For all those non-Muslim readers out there, a little 101 for you. Quran=Holy Word, Hadith=Man written words on events and what the Prophet said. And when there is only one hadith, over 300 something year old, and most probably altered when gone from mouth to mouth, the chances that the hadith is authentic is slim.    

I do not believe that Islam can in anyway prohibit a woman from becoming a political leader, as Islamic history proves that we’ve had several women in the visual front with both power and knowledge. I do believe however that there are probably preferences and given the orthodox Islamic values and “rules”, it’s also probably much easier for a man to become a political leader. In traditional Islam, a man who’s in political leadership, leads the prayer, and since a woman can’t, the result would be that a woman cannot be a political leader. But in Shariah countries today, the political leaders rarely lead prayers. Husbands help (or are supposed to anyway) to strengthen their wives position, as the wives do for their husbands once the men are in power.

Then it’s the image of a country. According to my friend he stated that a country with a female leader would give off… well… wrong signals of a country. Would you be threatened by a country with a female leader?

Yes. A, as Tyra Banks would put it, fierce woman that looks like she could cut your privates off is very much to be afraid of. And not to mention, her military probably has enough atomic weapon to blow you and your country off the map. Isn’t that something to be afraid of? A smart, sharp and elegant woman is to be as respected and feared like any man. And if a man with political power cannot respect or accept that fact, that not only shows an image of the society that has elected him, but also shows what needs to be changed.  Just because your name isn’t “Ahmadinajad” or “Obama” or “Putin” doesn’t mean that the world cannot take you seriously.  

And finally, my friend said, “Men have been ruling all these years. There is a reason for it”.

And my response is, that just because something has been done for a long time doesn’t make it right. The most corrupt, inhumane, evil and terrifying regimes have been of men. The Pharaoh, Stalin, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Bush, DICK CHENY? Girls were buried alive in Arabia (before Islam was introduced), does that make it right? The blacks have been suffering injustice from the creation of time, does that make it right? Children are sold and re-sold, does that make it right? Yes, I know that comparing child prostitution with male regimes is very unfair and unrelated but I’m trying to draw you a sketch.  Maybe, this world has come to a drowning point (which it has, thanks to the economic meltdown and the ice polar meltdown) and it’s some sort of message from God, “Change your fucking ways or I’m making our little meeting on judgment day a bit earlier”. And besides, when was it women got the vote? Not that long ago.

But at the same time, some of the very just, historic and memorable regimes have been of men too. Men have created history, men have brought justice and men have changed the face of the Earth. Mandela, Gandhi, Jinnah, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King.

So where does that leave us?  

After an hour of debate, I and my friend concluded that coming to a mutual decision was not possible. He believes that if given two perfect candidates, one man, one woman, he’d vote for the man. Given two ordinary candidates, one man, one woman, he’d vote for the man. He’d only vote for the woman if the man was a real, real bad candidate. Which I assume is a killer. But killers can’t become Presidents. Sort of.

Personally, if given two ordinary candidates, I’m not going to look at what sex they are. I’m far beyond that, and I don’t care. This whole blog has been showing you atrocities that men regimes may bring, but in truth, I believe a good leader can be either male or female, just like a bad leader can be either male or female.  I look up to both men and female political figures. I’m going to see who’s views and goals I can relate to most (I’d vote for Obama than Hilary) and then vote. Gender and sex does not, in my eyes, show who is more qualified. But I respect my friend’s decision, and think that he has his all the right in this world to have his opinion. I’ll just give him a hard time if he’s ever elected President for his country :P

So you can make up your mind. A leader called Samuel or a leader called Angelina?

Oh and just one other thing with the whole “women think with their emotions, mean with their heads” thing. Yes. Women may think with their emotions, and men may think from their head…. but just not the right one, understand me?

 Marilyn Monroe and Monica Lewinsky are probably one of the many, many witnesses to that, don’t you think? ;)

 

Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))

When he cheats vs. when she cheats

[Note: A post about the recent air missile strikes in Pakistan will be posted in a few days, don't worry. I just need some time on it.]

 

Is she the reason you don’t call like you used to?

Is she the reason my deepest love couldn’t please you? You got me feeling like I wasn’t good enough

- “Is she the reason” – Destinys Child

 

Im thinking one girl

She thinking me, earl james and jimmy

Yep she had plenty

But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart

But she was out riding in some other man’s car

- “Go On Girl” – Ne-Yo

 

Not being able to sleep, and TV being too dangerous to skim through at that late hour, I turned to my ever so faithful laptop. Watched a few episodes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report, and then randomly browsed through news, current events and the Golden Globe red carpet (on that note, I would like to shout out to my fellow Indian friends and congratulate them on the buzz that Slumdog Millionaire is causing and the awards it’s picking up along the way).

While browsing, I had my itunes playlist playing on shuffle. And that’s when “Is She The Reason” by Destiny’s Child came on. I automatically stopped reading about how P. Diddy is being brought into the spotlight regarding being the brain behind Tupac’s assassination and my attention reverted to the lyrics of the song. The song revolves around the questionable behavior of male partners. Beyonce asks, “Is she the reason why you don’t call like you used to?”, while Kelly says, “I can’t believe you let me fall this hard” and Michelle states, “You had me believing that this was all my fault. I guess me seeing you with her, says it all”.  

After that, came Ne-Yo’s song ,”Go On Girl” where he sings about how a girl has played with his heart by cheating on him and deceiving him. And when two “The Other Person” type songs come in sequence, you can’t help but get into that heartbreak mood,  now can you?

I then found out that I had loads of songs like that. “It’s not right, but it’s okay” by Whitney Housten, “Shattered Glass” by Britney Spears, “Heartless” by Kanye West, “Cry Me a River” by Justin Timberlake, “Thanx for Nuthin’” by Mariah Carey, “Beautiful Liar” by Beyonce and countless of others. And those are the “The other person” songs, which means sad, tragic and heartbreak songs are in a category of itself. Then I have the love songs. Then I have those poetic deep songs (usually of Indian and Pakistani descent). Then I have the political raps.  

I seriously need to get some new, happy music.

But beside that reality realization, it got me thinking.

I have to be honest, I don’t get into relationships for countless of reasons, but one on my list would be the fear of being screwed over.  I’ve always been a social person, and being around many people gave me an inside look on people’s lives, their struggles and their both won and lost battles. The one common issue that all of my female friends had at some point or another was infidelity. Their guys had “other girls”.

My mom could not get around this issue with her friends either. Women were finding out that they were not the only ones sharing a bed with their man.

And I had guy friends who wouldn’t confess it to anyone but me that their girl was shouting some other guy’s name. My mom would often tell me stories of men in the family who had been played and screwed over by their cheating women.

The exposure to disloyalty,  infidelity and unfaithfulness in relationships made sure that I would stay far, far away from any sort of intimate relationship whatsoever. It was in human nature to cheat and deceit, and I’m already a super-ultra emotional person, (I cried in The Simpsons Movie when Marge records a farewell message on a videotape and says in a hurt voice, “And to prove it’s over, I taped this over our wedding video. Good-Bye Homer”. Anything else needs to be said?) so getting screwed over by a man is the last on my list.

Infidelity has been an issue for partners for as long….well I don’t know. But its been around for quiet some time, hasn’t it? And it seems that the focus has always been on “the other woman”.

Just to give you a taste where we stand on the “other woman” issue, let me share with you some information.

  • Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
  • Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
  • 22% of married men (in US) have strayed at least once during their married lives. 
  • Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples

I’m going to stop now. I don’t want you to be man-less for the rest of your life and if you’re a man, I don’t want to embarrass you any further. Other studies show that many affairs last up to two full years.

Talk about guilt and moral sense taking a long vacation.

Ok, that was mean, I apologize. But the truth is that’s what I would have believed in a few years back. Now, that I’m older, I look at things a bit differently.

The first issue has always been, why on EARTH would a woman want a married/taken man? (I’m looking at you Angelina Jolie). Why would you want to sleep with a man, knowing very well that there is another woman who, most probably, has been told her man is working late? Why would you trust a man who is capable of betraying the trust of another woman? I don’t know, and I will never know, and nor will you (unless of course you are the other woman. If so, please feel free to contribute). It’s rather unexplainable, beside the “He just happened to be married” argument that I have a hard time falling for. So, I’ll leave that for now and turn the coin. Why do men have other women (who may or may not know about the fact that they already got a girl)?

The most easy and straightforward answer would be: sex. Men are naturally sex-driven, sex-obsessed creatures that don’t think with their heads and fall easily for temptation. (Even in the Quran, the male specie has been described as weak as they tend to think sexual thoughts when alone with women). After marriage, it seems that men lose interest in their wives, and miss the chase and the thrill. Sex becomes predictable and touching the same flesh gets, well, boring. And after women give  birth, men see them more as maternal figures than the sex partners. 

At least that’s the original version. Or the fling version at least.

I’ve always seen male infidelity in two ways. One is most defiantly the sex side (I’ve watched enough Dr.Phil, read enough Cosmo, talked to enough women to confirm that theory for me) and the original explanation is not far from the truth either (sorry guys) but there is one more side to the story. Especially when we’re talking about long-term affairs.

Men are natural braggers. It’s in a man’s nature to prove himself, as it is to boost his ego. But it’s wrong to suggest that sex is the sole reason for why men have an other woman.

  • Dr. Jan Halper’s study found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3% of the 4,100 men surveyed eventually married their lovers. 
  •  Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75%

What does that tell you? Sex almost always plays a role in infidelity, but it seems that it is when comes to long term affairs, the very reason for cheating changes.

Men in marriage usually cheat because 1) They aren’t getting enough sex at home  2) There is some turmoil in their relationship or 3) They are just plain, pathetic morons, who are morally bad of character. 

Men need to be told they are good. Seriously, no joke. If a man is unhappy in a relationship, or has a wife/girlfriend who nags/complains constantly (yes, I’m looking at you ladies), then a man is more tempted to cheat. Why? Because he needs to prove to himself that he’s still got it. He needs to prove to himself that he’s good enough. Psychologically, women are more social creatures than men are, and women are thus better at resolving emotional issues than men are (which is why more men than women turn to alcohol). So when a man has a woman who constantly puts him down, constantly bugs him, constantly wants to “talk about the relationship”, he will eventually fall for that smiling woman at office who says that he’s going a good job.

But rarely do they marry the other woman. Why? Because there is not the connection of an emotional bond. The other woman is the object of self-satisfaction. The proof that they can still bring it on. And besides, a relationship born out from secrecy, lies and deception is very unlikely to survive.   

Going back to the ego boost subject, some men cheat because they want to prove to themselves that they still have what it takes. “Notch under the belt” i think it’s called. To experience the thrill of the chase again. 

Then of course are the men who have everything, but still cheat. No idea why they do it, so I simply assume they are not of good character.

But what happens when she cheats?

Female infidelity has always been brushed underneath the carpet. Everyone knows it’s there.

The assumption that women cheat for different reasons than men is a 50/50 deal. I was reading an article recently which brought the stories of cheating women. A few women said because their husbands didn’t show them affection or didn’t give them quality time, so they went out and found a man who did. Others said because sex was getting boring.

The myth that men cheat more than women is, according to statistics, dying. In fact. a study showed that young females and males had cheated on a partner equal number of times, and infidelity from the woman’s side is now rapidly growing.

It is true that many women cheat because they are not getting enough attention, love and emotional support from home. But the interesting thing in female infidelity is that it is viewed with more sympathy than male infidelity. And why is so?

I guess it’s because we in a society  where we believe that men cheat because it lies in their nature, while women cheat only when they are pushed in that direction where no other options are available.  Although, I read an article in the newspaper which said that scientists and now trying to find a specific gene in men that biologically programs them into cheating. A kind of infidelity gene.

And no, it’s not a lie;

Hasse Walum and his colleagues made use of data from The Twin and Offspring Study in Sweden, which includes over 550 twins and their partners or spouses. The gene under study codes for one of the receptors for vasopressin, a hormone found in the brains of most mammals. The team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of this gene — allele 334 — often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.

The incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant. There was also a correlation between the men’s gene variant and what their respective partners thought about their relationship.

“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele”, says Hasse Walum.

The same gene has been previously studied in voles, where it has been linked to monogamous behaviour in males.

“The fact that the corresponding gene has proved important for similar behaviour in voles makes our findings even more interesting, and suggests that the thoroughly studied brain mechanisms that we know give rise to strong bonds between individual voles can also be relevant to humans”, Hasse Walum concludes.   

 

I have to admit, I laughed. A nervous laugh though. Can you imagine?  ” Sorry honey, I cheated ‘cos it’s in my genes”.

However,

He stresses, however, that the effect of this genetic variation is relatively modest, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.

But why all the focus on the men? Women cheat too!

Women cheat on men for their own needs but superb starling females stray from their mates for the sake of their chicks, according to recent Cornell research. This reasoning includes being able to know if mates are too ‘genetically similar’ for breeding

 

So let me get this straight. We are all biologically programmed someway or another to screw around, so to speak?

Honestly, there shouldn’t be so much focus on the biological part, because it’s what, 1 in 10 men who have this gene, and it’s not 100% certain either. 

More focus should be put on the social aspects of infidelity. Women and men cheat for the same reason.

For their own needs.

Men may cheat for sex, because they’re not getting enough.

Women may cheat for love/sex because they’re not getting enough.

 

In reality, no gender should get a so-called “free-pass” when it comes to infidelity. So dear men, pay your wife some attention, help around the house and buy her the occasional bouquet of flowers (and keep in shape, no one wants Mr. Beer Belly), and dear women, stop nagging (and keep in shape…) and give some exciting sex to the man. It’s best for both of you really…

All this infidelity talk has made me go crazy. I think I’ll go listen to some love songs.

Until next time,

Mamashaal (( desi diva ))

 

Sources;

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080902161213.htm

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/is_allele_334_an_infidelity_gene_for_men

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news/why_females_cheat

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/ariel_leve/article4742877.ece

 

 

 

 

 

 

« Older entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.